john5r

Под катом - длинный текст на английском. Для его восприятия понадобится не только знание английского, но также предварительный просмотр Pulp Fiction и прочтение "Винни Пух и все-все-все"

в интернете он когда-то был, но теперь его нет даже в кэше гугла - очень обрадовался, когда нашел его на своем жестком диске

Presenting : A.A. Milne's Pulp Fiction, scripted by Quentin Tarantino -
age six. Have fun!

Pulp Fiction - By A.A. Milne

[The movie opens in a pedal go-cart. Pooh "Grizzly" Bear and "They call me
MISTER" Piglet are sitting in it, discussing life in General.]

POOH : Tell me again about the lemonade bars.

PIGLET : Okay; it breaks down like this. It's legal to buy it, it's legal
to use it, but it's Illegal to carry it anywhere. It's illegal to
sell it unless you are a licensed person. And you can't just open up
the bottle and take a swig - I mean, they want you to drink it out
of sight, know what I mean?

POOH : Okay. Hypothet- Heapothit- Oh, Bother. Say you want to buy one of
those big Two-litre containers. The Cloudy stuff, not the cheap clear
stuff. How do you get it home? You can't drink it all.

PIGLET : Doesn't matter. Cops in Sherwood can't search you. That's the
right they don't have.

POOH : What about the big boss over Sherwood way? What's his name again -
Robin?

PIGLET : Man, that Hood is cool. But you wouldn't want to get on the wrong
side of him, I'm telling you. Sherwood's one big place. They might never
find you. But he's cool, like I said.

[The pedal-cart comes to a halt beside a tall tree with a Tree-house in it.
Pooh and Piglet go round to the back and lift up the seat.]

POOH : So how many guys in there?

PIGLET [counting on his fingers] : One, Two.... [He gets confused and
starts again] One, Two.... Lots.

POOH : We should have bigger guns for this sort of thing.

[They head over to the Tree and push the button for the ladder.]

PIGLET : What's the name of that broad that C.R. hangs out with?

POOH : Alice. Why do you want to know?

PIGLET : C.R.'s out on business, Over Epping Forest way. I'm supposed to
take her out. To Dinner.

POOH : Ever hear what happened to the Rooney Kid?

PIGLET : Who?

POOH : Most folks just called him Roo.

PIGLET : Oh, yeah. Hyperactive.

POOH : Hey, the kid has an energy problem. I'm not going to diss him.

PIGLET : What about him, anyway?

POOH : C.R. had "Trigger-happy" Tigger go over to see him. Tigger jumped on
the kid for two and a half hours, then bounced him into the river. In a
concrete overcoat. Since then Roo kinda developed a breathing problem.

PIGLET : So?

POOH : So, Rumour has it that he did it on account of Alice.

PIGLET : What did he do, go down to the palace with her?

POOH : Nothing that dras- Dris- Seri- Bad. He played Pooh-sticks with her.

PIGLET : Hey, I can see that.

POOH : You don't think he over-reacted?

PIGLET : What I'm saying is, you play Pooh-sticks with matches, you get
burned.

POOH : What's that supposed to mean? Look, Taking her to the palace - that
would have been out of order. But playing Pooh-sticks with her?

PIGLET : It ain't the same toy, but it's the same toybox.

POOH : Ain't no Toybox. Ain't no Toy, ain't even the same fucking game.
Look. C.R. over-reacted, plain and simple.

PIGLET : Come on. Playing Pooh-sticks, it's like a small thing. We kid
ourselves that it doesn't mean anything, but it does - that's what's so
cool about it.

POOH : Come on. I play Pooh-sticks with my Mother.

PIGLET : You any good?

POOH : Sure. Got my technique down and everything. I don't be splashing or
nothing. This bear is the Shittin' Stick Master, I'm telling you.

PIGLET : Okay, this is the place. What time you got?

POOH : The big hand's on Minnie mouse and the little hand's on Goofy.

PIGLET : So what does that make the time?

POOH : It makes the time about time I went back to the jewellers and asked
if this is a genuine Rolex.

PIGLET : What the hell.
[He knocks. The door is opened by Owl.]

OWL : Two-it-two-ooo. It's you.

PIGLET : Never mind the rhyming slang. We're here as representatives of
your business partner Christopher Robin. You remember C.R., don't you?

OWL : Of Course.

PIGLET : Good. Incidentally, what comes after Two?

OWL [assuredly] : Four.

PIGLET : Check out the big Brain on Owl here! Pooh, man, you ever seen a
brain that big?

POOH [Who is doing little stretching exercises and muttering to himself] :
No.

PIGLET : I bet it'd make a pretty pattern on the wall.

OWL : Easy, Piglet. I mean, I got into this thing with the best of
intentions. I never meant for it to get so imbroglio'd.

PIGLET : That's MISTER piglet to you, Owl. [He notices Owl's breakfast
table.] Sorry to disturb your breakfast. What you having?

OWL : Acorns.

PIGLET : What Kind?

OWL : Just regular. With condensed milk.

PIGLET : No, where'd you get 'em?

OWL : Off Squirrel.

PIGLET : Mind If I try one? [He samples the acorn.] Mmmmmmm. That's a tasty
acorn. I usually can't get 'em - my Girlfriends a carnivore. But I love a
good acorn.

POOH : Hey, check it out! It's Eeyore!

PIGLET : Eeyore, man, good to see you! [He blows Eeyore's head off.]

POOH : That wasn't nice.

PIGLET [giggling] : No it wasn't. But C.R.'s been meaning to branch out
into the thistle patch for quite a while. And as for you, Owl you ain't
buying us off with acorns.

POOH : I wouldn't mind some condensed milk, though.

[Piglet throws him the can. Pooh starts licking it.]

PIGLET : Should we take him back with us?

POOH : Why bother? Where is it, Owl?

OWL : It's in the larder. Next to the honey-pots.

PIGLET : I'd better get that. Deal with this guy.

[Pooh throws the can of Condensed milk away and walks towards Owl, his gun
swinging menacingly.]

POOH : What does C.R. look like, Owl?

OWL : What?

POOH : What does Mr. Robin look like?

OWL : He - he's white. About six years old.

POOH : Does he look like a train-set?

OWL : What? [Pooh shoots him in the wing.]

POOH : DOES HE LOOK LIKE A TRAIN-SET!

OWL : NO!

POOH : Then why did you railroad him like that?

OWL : Hey, that's pretty clever.

[Pooh shrugs modestly.]

POOH : Do you read Enid Blyton, Owl?

OWL : Yeah.

POOH : Well there's this passage I got memorised, sort of fits the
occasion. "What was that?" cried Julian, as a noise reached them. "That was
me." Said the man with the revolver, and He took aim at them. "You kids are
in trouble." He said. "So just come along quietly and no-one gets hurt."
But then Timmy jumped the man, knocking the revolver away, and the police
arrived. [He unloads everything he has into Owl, who drops. Piglet has
returned.]

PIGLET : Let's get out of here.

CREDITS ROLL : PULP FICTION, By A.A. Milne. SCREENPLAY BY QUENTIN TARANTINO
- AGE SIX.

POOH : Why did everything just go dark? And what did that writing say?

PIGLET : That was just the credits. Someone's about to come out of the
bathroom with a gun.

[Rabbit exits the bathroom, yelling.]

RABBIT : YOU DIE!!!

[Pooh knocks the gun out of Rabbits hand and kicks Rabbit in the groin.]

POOH : That was a miracle! How did you know?

PIGLET : I read ahead a few pages in the script. Come on.

[They leave, dragging the moaning Rabbit with them.]

[Outside again. They put Rabbit on the back of the pedal-cart and drive
off.

POOH : That was some clairvoyant act you pulled there.

PIGLET : It weren't no such thing. I just read ahead a bit, that's all.

[POOH turns to RABBIT, who is looking more spaced out than usual.]

POOH : What do you think, Rabbit? Was that a miracle?

RABBIT : I don't care. My bollocks hurt.

POOH : You ought to care, man. It was how we stopped you- [His gun goes
off, and Rabbit's head explodes.]

POOH : Oh, Bother. I just shot Rabbit in the face.

PIGLET : Where are we?

[Pooh scrutinises the trees.]

POOH : In the elms.

PIGLET : Oh, Shit. C.R. Don't have no friendly places in the elms. We'd
better get this cart of the track before someone sees the mess. [He takes a
bright-blue plastic handset off the cradle below the steering wheel. The
yellow plastic cord bobs about as he pushes the buttons. They play "Oranges
and Lemons."]

POOH : What are you doing?

PIGLET : Ringing a relative. He's got a house in the elms, with a garage.
Should be able to hole up there while we clean up the cart. [The phone is
answered at the other end.] Hey, bro. Me and my blood got a problem, we
gotta get off the track. Can we use your place?

[Runt's (Piglet's brother's) place. Runt offers them honey and condensed
milk on Bread.]

PIGLET : We don't mean to impose...

POOH : Yes we do. I'll have some.

RUNT : (Sighing) Here.

[Pooh tries a bite.]

POOH : Mmmmmmm! Good stuff! I would've been happy with some plain old
honey, but you spring this serious gourmet Organic Canadian stuff on us!

RUNT : Shut up, Pooh. I buy good honey because I like to taste it. Pigletta
goes shopping, she buys shit. I buy good stuff. I don't need you telling me
how good it is. What I do need you telling me is that there isn't a dead
rabbit in my Garage.
7
POOH : But there is.

RUNT [Very agitated] : I know there is, dammit! You put it there! Do I look
like a poacher? Do I look like the Owner of Runt's Dead Rabbit Storage? I
don't because I ain't! Get it out of here!

PIGLET : Yo, chill bro. I gotta make a call.

RUNT : [throwing a fisher-price telephone at him.] : Make it then!

[C.R.'s tree penthouse. Alice is swimming in the pool.]
C.R. : Yeah, no shit its a problem. So how much of a problem?

PIGLET : It's the Pigletta situation that's the worry. She comes home and
finds a bunch of gangsters doing gangster stuff on her nice clean carpet
and she's going to go ape.

C.R. : Go back in there and chill them brothers out. Wait for the Tigger,
who should be arriving directly.

PIGLET: You sending the Tigger? Shit, White man, that was all you had to
say!

[Tigger's pad. A dozen babes in society frocks are moving around, using the
trampoline, wearing shoes with springs in the soles, etcetera.]

TIGGER : Oh boy oh boy. Cleaning up ith what Tiggerth do Betht. Give me the
names again.
[He jots down names. "POOH (BEAR), PIGLET (PIG), RUNT (PIG), PIGLETTA
(PIG), THE SWEENEY (PIGS), KEROUAC (AMERICAN BEAT POET), SHAKESPEARE (POET
AND PLAYWRIGHT), KIRK (CAPTAIN JAMES T.)" Finally he adds "ONE RABBIT. NO
HEAD. TWO FEET."]

TIGGER : That'th Six and a half hours away. I'll be there in two minuteth.

[He bounces off.]

[A caption reads "One minute fifty-eight seconds later". Tigger screams
into shot, driving an electric cart. He knocks the caption over, dismounts,
and heads up to the door. The door is opened by someone.]

TIGGER : [Checking his notes] You would be... Captain James T. Kirk?

KIRK : I... am Captain James... T.... KIRK... of the U.S.S... ENTERPRISE.

TIGGER : What is that squirrel doing on top of your head?

KIRK : Never mind... MISTER... Tigger. I Need more... POWER.

[Tigger bounces on Kirk's head, knocking off the toupee.]

TIGGER : And you would be Shakespeare, and you are Kerouac I suppose.

[Shakespeare nods. Kerouac, busy mainlining Lemonade, ignores him. Tigger
Squeezes past, finding the sweeney banging loudly on a door and screaming
"OPEN UP! OPEN UUUUUP!"]

TIGGER : What's going on?

[John Thaw turns round.]

J.T. : There's been a Murder, Lewis. No, sorry, wrong show. Guv guv guv
guv!

TIGGER : What's going on?

J.T. : The guv's in the toilet, and we're all dying for a wazz.

TIGGER : tie a knot in it. 'Scuthe me.

[He finally finds his way through into the garage.]

TIGGER : Okay. Piglet, have you been reading ahead?

PIGLET : Not this time.

TIGGER : Okay. Clean this up. I mean, wash down the plastic seat, make sure
it's clean underneath. Anything else wrong with it sides how it looks?

PIGLET : No. Apart from the mess, it's fine.

TIGGER : Good. Runt, I'd like some extract of malt please. Your wife
Pigletta is home in about half an hour, right? [Runt nods.] Fine. That's
twenty minutes to clean this up, boys, allowing for errors in assumptions.
The Clock is running. Go to it.

[Ten minutes later the cart is clean.]

TIGGER : Good work, boys. Now there's no need for Mrs Runt to get all wound
up about having two gangsters and a dead body in her nice garage.

[Pigletta has arrived home early. She screams from the door. Tigger pulls a
bazooka out and fires, blowing up her, the rest of the house, and everyone
in it.]

TIGGER : Silly cow. Pig. Whatever. Come on, let's get moving. Piglet, the
keys to my Little Tykes Electric Scooter are in the ignition. I pedal real
fucking fast, so keep up. We're going to a place called Kanga's Rabbit Stew
Shop. If we get stopped by the cops, no-one does anything until I bounce
them. Got it?

[They nod.]

[They arrive at Kanga's.]

TIGGER : Well, that was a barrel of fun. Lets not do it again.

[The inside of a diner. Piglet is flicking through the script.]

POOH : Want some bacon?

[Piglet just looks at him.]

POOH : Oh, bother. Sorry. What happens next?

PIGLET : This place is robbed, You do your Enid Blyton speech again, and
tomorrow I get blown away by a boxer who doesn't throw a fight. And In
between I take Alice to dinner and she OD's on lemonade. Thinks its
Perrier, apparently. Oh, and C.R. gets gang-banged by a male rapist.

POOH : Oh. That's nice.

PIGLET : Unless they just go to the credits.

ROLL CREDITS...

PIGLET : See, I told you.

--
M. Reed Austin <m.r.austin@bradford.ac.uk>

"The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off
Pending a government investigation into false promises."